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Champion of children

Parenting potential

This is an extract from the new book by The Energy Alliance collaborators
'Kids Are Really Different These Days …co-creating an evolutionary world'.

Parenting Potential
by Alan Wilson founder of The Energy Alliance and Develop Your Child

WOW what a fabulous play on words, releasing your potential as a parent and the ability to unleash the potential of your children - I love it! We all want to do the very best for our children we can, and I've found a mix of working with energy and applying some concrete strategies in an energetic environment has worked miracles and this is what I would like to share with you now.

About four years ago I realised how much my intuition was helping me in my role as a life coach. For those that don't know, briefly, coaching takes you from where you are to where you want to be. It is not therapy or counselling and takes no account of the past because you are perfect as you are today.

See the magnificence in kids
In wanting to know more about my intuition I've been looking at a broader spectrum of energetics which involves, consciousness, multidimensionality and evolutionary ways of working. By seeing in this way, I now experience people as the most magnificent, creative, awesome beings and my role is to connect them to their inner knowing so they can be self supportive in their own empowerment. This approach has had a significant impact on my own growth.

In addition to that, I realised I had not loved myself unconditionally and there is a big difference in loving yourself and loving unconditionally. When you accept your perceived 'weaknesses/faults' as what they are - all part of being the truly awesome you.

When I'm thinking beyond self, I'm focussing on others and not my own challenges which then seem to dissolve from my attention. And perhaps the most exciting step was that I'm connecting with a power beyond me, and this is so amazing, to be part of/and working in a bigger game with a collective, and that bigger game at the moment for me is to be an Ambassador for Kids.

The whole story has been beautifully recorded by my colleague Soleira Green in her fabulous (not because I'm in it, but the concepts of recognising and defining a new type of visionary) new book 'The New Visionaries - evolutionary leadership for a vibrant world' www.newvisionaries.net/NewVisionaries

Working with energy
I use energy in working with parents initially, connecting with the group that are going to turn up and setting the intention that they will all get the best from the session for what they need. I also prepare the room to create a sense of allowing for potential to blossom. When I meet them I see them as the magnificent individuals they are, this approach permeates the whole room and it just feels like everyone relaxes into what wants to happen - you can feel the potential in the air

Sometimes we will have a guided visualisation where we take some deep breaths and allow all the cares of the day dissolve away. We will then relax and connect with something we love/are passionate about, we expand that fabulous feeling beyond the perimeters of the room, in stages, out into the cosmoses. From this place I ask what is the potential for the session or any other question that might be relevant for the person or their situation.

I then leave them in this place to commune with their inner knowing for a couple of minutes. Afterwards we may share what each individual got and work around that or just leave them to do what they need to do.

Value and respect
I have found that parents also require very practical approaches, so I would like to share some strategies that have been successful for me and the parents I work with. One of the most important aspects of any relationship is valuing a person and showing them respect. I will give you a couple of examples that have worked for me.

The first, I've always spoken to my children as though they are adults. If they asked me a question I would answer them and judge the communication gap by their response and fill it in. I would also explain both sides of a situation and encourage them to choose, often they would get bored and just wanted a plain yes or no but I would persevere and I'm really glad I did because they were able to make mature choices and take responsibility for those decisions quite early on in their lives.

The second example was after my first marriage breakdown I saw the children at the weekends. Because I was also trying to do loads of other things at the time we were together, there were always clashes of interest and our time together became more stressful. Toby and Holly wanted to do 'their own thing' and I was torn between spending time with them and my own work and household chores.

To overcome this conflict we tried an experiment, we would each take turns in choosing what we most wanted to do - and the other two went along with it. Although I did not do everything I wanted, at least the time we spent together was fabulous quality time. We discussed our plans and priorities on the car journey or as soon as we met. This experiment was a blessing, as we could all do what we all wanted to do, some of the time.

Acknowledge your fabulous progress
Another major area for parents is to get them to acknowledge that they have done a fabulous job so far. They often don't accept this because they have been beating themselves up so long and they think they are the only ones suffering a particular situation. So this is the first thing we tackle.

They also do not give themselves any credit for standing up and saying 'I need help'. This often involves crossing the threshold of a school (which is where I usually work). This step on it's own can hold memories of their own earlier experiences which they may prefer to forget, or perhaps the only time they hear from the school is a complaint that their little cherub has been misbehaving.

So in a group I get the parents to share some of their challenges and coach them to find solutions within the groups own experiences. This creates a wonderful empowering atmosphere. They slowly realise they are not the only ones suffering from the same challenges. Plus by sharing their experiences they are helping others with proven and successful strategies and these are coming from their peers, so much more valuable than a facilitator! A beautiful trusting and sharing environment is created, they are co-creating it and starting to feel good about themselves. All of a sudden the stigmatisation and discomfort starts to evaporate and they are open to try new things - RESULT!

See through your child's eyes
The other thing I get them to accept is to look how far they have come, see the beauty inside of their children, they have been the major contributor to this fabulous individual. We all look up the mountain to see how far we have to go and rarely look back to see how far we've come. Even more rarely celebrate our progress, there tends to be not enough celebration in our lives. We really need to acknowledge our progress and relive all those fabulous feelings and emotions that result from our successes.

Try and see things from your child's perspective, they are surrounded by multi media images of success, beauty and unrealistic aspirations. They may have been exposed to all sorts of negativity, their hormones kicking in, peer pressure and questioning themselves over their own self identity and self worth. Is it any wonder they are confused/frustrated/angry, and as has been said by other contributors, they can tell a lie a mile off and kick off when they feel manipulated. You MUST be authentic with them as a lot of people in their lives may be manipulating or trying to control them because they don't know any better

Self care is critical
Self care is critical. Mum and it's usually Mum is rushing around all day meeting the needs of an ever demanding family. Is it any wonder that parents may not be in the most relaxed frame of mind to deal with all the pressures on them? After all if you don't feel good how can you do and be the best for your self. When you are the best for your self you are the very best for everyone.

Parents need to be selfish and indulge themselves sometimes, I know that doesn't come easy, especially for Mums, and often it may be tainted with guilt - just let that go. Do whatever it takes, a scented bath with candles, a bar of chocolate, glass of wine, long walk in nature. Do whatever it takes to get you in that wonderful, calm and relaxed state. Now when you are enjoying yourself think about the successes of the day, or the last day or two and recall how and where you felt good, recall all your senses and relive, in fact, increase those senses of smell, taste, hearing, touching and tingling to a point that you glow from the inside.

I find a great help here is to create a 'Success Diary', at the end of every day record all the things that went well. If you are having trouble coming up with successes, think really hard and record even a small incident, a sentence, word or phrase. Over a period of time you will find it easier to identify the successes and over a longer period the successes will get bigger. The benefit of this exercise is that it gets you to focus on the good things on a regular basis and when you are feeling down, go back and read what you have written. It is an awesome experience to see how far you have come and share this with your kids.

To take this a stage further, particularly for kids is get them to add what were the feelings and emotions attached to this win or success. Sometimes they will need a bit of encouragement to identify how they felt and where it was inside them that they felt it.

OK so now are you ready for the final piece? The final stage is to look at the potential of this success. For example, suppose a young person is frightened of the water and has just started swimming lessons, she has just completed a width and says how fabulous she feels about the success. Now ask her what the potential is of her being successful, if she struggles to answer, encourage her with open questions like 'what do you think you could do next' and she might come up with swim a length or win a gold medal at the next Olympics. Kids love this when they get the hang of it.

The relationship is the key
The key to any relationships is to appreciate you should never try to control another person, be that child, partner, friend or colleague. By being the best you can be, you can influence them more than by directing them. The better the relationship the more the influence, obvious really, but usually not remembered in the heat of the moment. Amongst other things a good relationship is based on trust, respect, listening and valuing another person. A clash of interests or different view may create a communication barrier.

Creating a better relationship with your children can be as simple as asking questions versus telling them what you expect. Pick your moment and ask them, how can I/we show you more respect, what would you like to achieve, what are your biggest challenges right now, how can I/we support you? Loads of open questions will create a good flow of information and a super interchange.

Develop your listening skills. Be open, focus on your children, listen from the heart, face them heart to heart and do not have any distractions at the time, it's amazing what you can learn from what they don't say. I encourage the parents I work with to create regular quality times for one to one connections with each child. It can start with being as little as a couple of minutes each day, make it regular and most important of all, sacrosanct. As soon as you break the arrangement they will feel that you do not consider they are worthy of your time.

Kids sense your mood
Children are fantastic barometers of your mood. If you're stressed I guarantee they will be too, if you're relaxed they are more likely to be as well, what a fabulous excuse to be chilled! After all they know all your 'hot buttons' and can throw one in any time they want to, to derail you and throw you off course.

A big aspect is the past. As soon as you both can accept the past has gone and there is nothing that can be said or done to change it, you can move on. This may not always be easy but allow time to reflect and see it from the potential that has been created.

I encourage the parents I work with to look at the event and its cause to see what learning there is from what happened. It is surprising what can reveal itself when you look from the perspective of potential. Even if you've only learnt not to do it again, it's a learning point and can be celebrated.

Another important practice is to separate the person from their behaviour. In the heat of the argument we forget about the real feelings we have for the other person because we are reacting to their behaviour. Take time out, chill and go back to them and reinforce your love and respect for them, say it is their behaviour that your not happy with, so what can we do together to overcome that issue in the future.

Using the power of thought can help you overcome some of the same issues in the future. The power of thought does not control another person's behaviour, but helps you take responsibility for the way you respond to their behaviour.

The power of thought
You may want to check out my 'Power of Thought' module, www.developyourchild.co.uk/images/Pdf%27s/PowerOfThought.pdf it will help you realise that when you monitor your thoughts you can control your actions and behaviour. You can decide to let a thought go or react to it. So if you are told you are hopeless at something, when you see that as your thought, you can choose to ignore it and carry on your happy way. Or you can believe that thought and be miserable. It is your choice of what you choose to accept and what you choose to let go of.

You are also creating your own reality with the way you think about things. For example if you get up in the morning and it's pouring of rain and you might think 'oh no it is going to be a terrible day' I guarantee it will be. On the other hand if you see the rain and think 'oh well I'm going to make the most of this fabulous day' you are more likely to have a fabulous day. Be aware of your thoughts!

Do something different
Take time to explore your inner self, knowing, innate abilities etc, to enable you to have a deeper connection with your children as that's where they are operating from. In fact you are both operating from this level but you have been exposed to more life experiences and negativity to downplay these abilities. Remember how much you were in tune with each other when your kids were babies. You can reconnect with them at this level now if you wish too. Look at the other amazing chapters in the book to understand more.

By practicing some of these suggestions you will be creating a different relationship with your children. When a parent can encourage their partner to engage in these activities the rewards are exponentially wonderful. I know because I have seen fabulous, fulfilling family relationships created with all members of the family, when they are working together.

I hope you have been tempted to realise your potential as a parent and will be encouraged to unleash the potential of your children. I honour your commitment and preparedness to do something different and learn new skills to create a successful parenting experience, thank you most sincerely.

This really is IMPORTANT - have loads of fun, share lots of laughter and many, many hugs. Bless you.

Tips for parents of young people

1The most important point for me is that you acknowledge that
you have done a fabulous job so far. And celebrate the fact you
are reading this and want to acquire new skills for the benefit
of your children and family.

2Always show your young person the respect you show your
very bestest friend, avoid taking them for granted - listen
to them and value them as the special individual they are.

3It is so much harder when children are teenagers as they
may have been exposed to negativity, their hormones
kicking in, peer pressure and questions over self identity.
Therefore anything new and different may not be quick or
easy to fix. What I can assure you is that eventually they
will respond to your genuine and committed desire to
support them.

4Please be patient with yourself. It is common to look up
the mountain to see how far you still have to go. Regularly
look back and see how far you've come and celebrate
that progress. And while reflecting on your progress and
the benefits to your family, relive and enhance all those
fabulous senses of success.

5Take good care of yourself, be selfish and create some
'me time', nurture yourself, have a bath with scented candles,
go for a walk in the country, however you relax, do it and
often. After all you are the pivotal point of the family, how
can you do your best for them when you are run ragged.

6Your kids can sense your mood, be relaxed and chilled as
much as possible. They know all your 'hot buttons', so it's
so easy for them to wind you up and put you off course,
they've had enough practice! They will revert to this as
soon as they want to wrong foot you. What a great excuse
to be relaxed all the time!

7The past is the past, there is nothing you can do about it.
Bless the past for the lessons it has taught you and be
grateful that you've had that experience, ask yourself
what was the potential that came from what happened.

8Take time to explore your inner self, knowing, innate abilities
etc, to enable you to have a deeper connection with your
children, that's where they are operating from. Remember
how much you were in tune with each other when they
were babies, you can reconnect with them at this level
if you wish.

9Look at the 'Power of Thought' module, it will help you
realise that you can control your own actions and
behaviour when you monitor your thoughts. You are
also creating your reality by how you view things.

10Each of you can start a 'Success Diary' recording all
your wins and successes every day. When you feel down,
read through a few pages or do it together if it feels right.
The better you feel about yourself the better you will be
and the better your choices will be.

And a bonus tip

11Most important of all remember to have fun, feel good and
share loads of fun, laughter and hugs.

Alan Wilson www.alanwilson.info

Alan wrote 'Listen to your children …and they will listen to you'
- a proven step by step strategy to break through the communication barrier www.developyourchild.co.uk/NEW-book-or-ebook.htm